How To Leave Your Husband: A Quick How-To Guide
Is your New Year’s resolution to leave your husband? Well you’re in the right place!
This how-to guide is in reference to my first marriage. My second marriage — which I’m currently in and forever shall remain because my husband is fucking amazing — has nothing to do with this post.
Step #1. Realize your husband is an asshole who will never change. This may take years to figure out because women have this romantic notion in their head that they can change a man — thanks to fairy-tales like Beauty and the Beast. And your husband may not be a complete asshole which makes leaving harder because he has other good qualities that blind you to his big asshole qualities that aren’t really worth putting up with — which was my situation.
Step #2. If you want to end your marriage and your husband isn’t an asshole and is a really nice guy, then that means you’re the asshole. So own it. Sometimes it takes years to realize you’re the asshole because human beings have egos and have a tendency to be assholes.
Step #3. Make a plan. If you have kids this is essential. To be serious for a moment, I was in a bad place. No college education to speak of. A spotty work history. No money. Two kids. BUT I had family. An amazing immediate and extended family to take me in and help me get on my feet. If you don’t have a supportive family then you need to take advantage of additional resources and websites such as singlemom.com.
Step #4. Get. A. Lawyer. And consult a lawyer before you leave him (unless you’re in a domestic violence situation — in that case you need to leave ASAP). I did not do this. I wanted to avoid coming across as a bulldog — as a mean ex-wife. I wanted to be nice. After all, I was breaking the mans heart. I didn’t want a scary lawyer to come in and make my soon-to-be-ex-husband feel bad. Bull-shit. If you have the financial resources — get that lawyer. My family offered to pay for one, but I wanted to play nice and that really did me a disservice. I went forward with a “do-it-yourself” divorce. DO NOT DO THIS. I essentially had no knowledge of my rights, no knowledge of child support requirements, how to split assets and debts, etc. I was basically stupid and stubborn — which is what got me into the dead-end marriage in the first place.
Step #5. After your plan is in place — where you’re going to live, making sure you have access to money, acquiring a lawyer, etc. — leave. Split. Get out (Unless of course you have the ability to throw his shit out of the house first.) Yes, it’s hard. You’ll cry your eyes out even though your husband was an asshole — because leaving your comfort zone is never fun. Willfully venturing into the unknown is terrifying. But it’s brave. And if your marriage is truly a shitty one, and if children are involved — then it is essential that you leave. Don’t let your little ones grow up around an unhappy, tumultuous relationship. Your daughters and sons need to see you be strong — to see you take the independent step out into the world — to stand up for yourself — to know women deserve respect.
Step #6. Get back on your feet — financially. And yes, this could take years. It took me five years because I had to go to college. If you already have a solid education and work background, then this will be much easier for you. Again, there are many resources for this. Use them. I was lucky enough to receive a Pell Grant that covered almost all my educational expenses — including full-time childcare for my daughter.
Step #7. Get back on your feet — emotionally. If you want to be a good parent, if you want to move on in the relationship department — you have to do a lot of soul-searching. Your husband may have been an asshole, but you also contributed some negativity to the marriage. What was that? What qualities about yourself can you change — improve on? And if you were the asshole in the relationship then you REALLY need to do some soul-searching. And the soul-searching can take years. But it’s essential that you re-discover your identity as a single woman. Because a failed marriage changes a person — but it’s usually for the better.
Now go on and git yerself divorced! And Happy New Year!
I have a wonderful husband as well, but I had to comment that this is an amazing post. I know too many women that are afraid to leave their comfort zone so they stay in unhealthy marriages. Kudos for letting your experience guide them.
Thanks, Audrey! I’m lucky I found an awesome husband the second time around. I just know too many women who are in relationships/marriages that are incredibly unhappy. I’m all about trying to make marriages work, but when you’re married to somebody who won’t make an effort… it’s just not worth it.
I completely get #1. It took me 10 years to figure out mine was an asshole. I get #2 though too. Because my own asshole side wasn’t helping him be any less of one. He’s finally dating again and his girlfriend really seems to bring out his better qualities.
Here from NaBloPoMo
Yeah… it took me close to seven years to figure it out. But you make an excellent point about other people bringing out better qualities in former partners. Usually a tumultuous relationship is because two people are just the wrong fit for each other and they bring out the worst qualities in one another.
Faneffingtastic post and I don’t even have a husband to leave. Just plain thank you.
Thank you so much! And I saw that you blogged about me as well! I’ll be checking out your blog later… unfortunately I have to go to work now. Sad face. Thanks again!
I’m in a happy first marriage but, what a great post! Love the honesty and humor of you blog!
Kensington
http://www.simplecareerlife.com
Thank you! I’m glad you found happiness in your first marriage. I wish that would happen for everybody! Luckily I found happiness in my second marriage. Thanks for stopping by!
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What a great post. I was in that situation for 12 years. I finally broke out and 4 years later met the greatest guy ever, and we’ve now been married for 29 years. I just stopped by to say hi from Friday Flash blog. Hope you have time to do the same.
Hi, Eva! Thank you. I’m so glad you’ve been with a great guy for almost 30 years. It’s interesting how they say that second marriages usually fail… because I feel that after a failed first marriage you tend to know what you want and have a stronger sense of self. I’ve met so many women who have happy second marriages. I’m on marriage number two and he’s definitely a keeper.
This is an amazing post. I am lucky to have found a keeper the second time around. The first husband was a complete asshole who took great pleasure in getting drunk and beating the crap out of me. It was a relief to be rid of him even though I mourned the failure of my marriage. I was a lot happy without him.
Kathy
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
Hey Kathy — I’m sorry you had to go through that. My ex never beat me but he did threaten to punch me when I was pregnant with my second child. The verbal abuse was out of control though. He could be very cruel. I’m so glad you got out. Like you, I found a keeper the second time around. He’s the most patient, loving man I’ve ever met. Thank you for sharing!