I have a cluster of early memories lodged way in the back of my brain that come to the forefront every now and then. Snippets, really.  And because I have so many snippets, I now have a cluster of early memories that are strange and dream-like in quality. All these memories happened when I was about three or four. Maybe some as early as age two.

My mom was standing in the kitchen talking on the phone. She was crying. I had never seen her cry before. I didn’t like to see my mom looking so vulnerable. I become hysterical. I was two or three.

Then I’m in the shower with my mom. I’m around three years old. I’m crying. Crying because the water is in my eyes. Something bad had happened and I can’t remember what it was. I told me mom about this memory and she believes it was the day she had accidentally given me my sisters heart medication — after which I was rushed to the hospital and they had to pump my stomach — which was why I was taking a shower with my mom — because we were covered in my vomit.

I’m running around outside with my sister. No supervision. Crawling under peoples fences just to see what was on the other side. An older neighbor lady yelled at us to get off her property.

My sister’s fifth birthday party. I was three. The little boy next to me kept sticking his tongue out at me. He was wearing glasses and red suspenders.

I pushed some little toy figurines down the slide. I started crying because they all got lost in the sand at the bottom of the slide.

I was three years old and started getting into the kitchen cabinets. I was genuinely curious and was finding all kinds of interesting kitchen things. I remember getting all the kitchen utensils out and laying them on the floor. I remember my mom yelling at me for making a mess. And I remember feeling that I didn’t understand what I did wrong.

I remember peeing my bed in the middle of the night and my mom changing my sheets. I was two or three.

My mom kept a pair of her shoes on my dresser in my room. I don’t know why she kept her shoes in there, but I remember that I had a dream that they were tap-dancing and it scared the shit outta me.

I remember being four and going trick-or-treating with my parents and some neighbors. A little girl got separated from the group and I remember all the parents yelling her name. I think it was Nina. She ended up being at a friends house. She was my age.

I remember going to church when I was three or four and having to sing songs in sunday school class. I was so shy, that I didn’t sing out loud. I just mouthed the words while the other kids sang.

I remember drawing lots of pictures of people crying. My mom was concerned about that. I think I just liked the shape of tears.

What are your earliest memories? Do you have any strange, unexplained snippets from your toddlerhood? For the longest time I thought that the shoes tap dancing on my dresser was a real memory — but now I realize it was a dream. Which makes me wonder if some of these memories were actually dreams.

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